


The Gang Does Season 13

by alltears



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Canon Compliant, CharDee - Freeform, Dennis Comes Back, F/M, M/M, MacDennis - Freeform, Post-Season/Series 12, Reynolds v. Reynolds: The Range Rover Defense, Sweet Dee Solves Sexism, The Gang Goes To Pride, script
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-10-19 22:37:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10649490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltears/pseuds/alltears
Summary: MacDennis-centric season 13 script collection. (aka: an outlet for my post-12.10 pain)





	1. "Dennis Comes Back"

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello hello! this is a new style of fic ive done, but im really enjoying it so far! i know it's a bit awkward to read, but i love that the reader can imagine a lot more when not every specific action is marked out. at one point i did write the words "whoop whoop" and i apologize. i hope you enjoy!!

_ The Gang is at the bar. They’re sitting in an awkward silence. _

 

**Charlie:** So… Anybody got news?

 

**Mac:** _ Hmph. _

 

**Dee:** “Hmph”? Jesus, are you gonna be grumpy forever? 

 

**Mac:** Yes!

 

**Dee:** Mac, we know you miss Dennis, but-

 

**Mac:** _ Stands, points a finger in Dee’s face  _ Hey! No! I don’t miss Dennis any more than you all do!

 

**All** **minus Mac:** _Laugh_

 

**Mac:** What’s so funny?

 

**Frank:** This is just as bad as him denying he’s gay! Screw it. Mac, you were obviously in love with the guy! Nothin’ wrong with it, but you’ve gotta get over him already.

 

**Mac:** WHAT? I-I was NOT in love with him! Why-why would you think that?

 

**Dee:** Oh my god! I don’t have time for this whole song and dance! 

 

**Charlie:** Oh, you have plans? Can we come?

 

**Dee:** Can you-  _ Sighs.  _ Just- Dennis is not coming back, at least not for a long time. Accept it!

 

_ Title Card: “Dennis Comes Back” _

_ Title Card: "It's Always Sunny in Philapelphia” _

 

_ Mac is alone in the bar’s office, writing something, when Charlie walks in. _

 

**Charlie:** Yo, whatcha writing?

 

**Mac:** Just a letter to Dennis.

 

**Charlie:** A letter to… Mac, can’t you just text him?

 

**Mac:** Oh, no, he doesn’t respond to those. He doesn’t respond to the letters either, but they’re probably just getting lost in the mail.

 

**Charlie:** ...Right. Mind if I take a look?

 

**Mac:** Sure.  _ Charlie takes the letter, squints at it, and then hands it back to Mac. _

 

**Charlie:** Can… Is it…?

 

**Mac:** You want me to read it for you?

 

**Charlie:** Yeah, yeah, dude, that’d be great.

 

**Mac:** _ Clears his throat and begins to read.  _ Dear Dennis. How are you? I’m doing good. I hope you and Brian Jr. are getting along.

 

**Charlie:** Oh, that’s not as bad as I-

 

**Mac:** I had a dream about you the other night.

 

**Charlie:** Oh no.

 

**Mac:** We were living in the suburbs again, only this time, Brian was there too. So was Dennis Jr. We slept in the same room-

 

**Charlie:** Okay, okay, dude. Imma just stop you right there. Don’t  _ ever  _ send that, okay? Even though he’s  _ definitely  _ not reading them, ‘cause-

 

**Mac:** What? Why wouldn’t I send this?

 

**Charlie:** Well, you know how weird Dennis is about emotions… C’mon, man, let’s get a drink.  _ Mac gets up. Mac and Charlie walk into the bar, where they see Dennis sitting on a stool and drinking a Coke. _

 

**Mac:** _ Sighs.  _ Fine. I’ve already had, like, two beers, though.

 

**Charlie:** No, I assumed that.

 

**Mac:** And I’m still sending the letter.

 

**Charlie:** I really wouldn’t - Oh my god.

 

**Mac:** ...Dennis?

 

**Dennis:** Oh, hey. 

 

**Mac:** Hey.  _ There’s an uncomfortable pause. _

 

**Mac:** When’d you get back?                    **Dennis:** What are you guys talking about?

 

**Mac:** A letter.                                           **Dennis:** Just now.

 

**Both:** Oh, sorry.

 

**Charlie:** ...I’m gonna go see what Dee’s up to.  _ He exits. Dennis and Mac just kinda stare at each other until the scene ends. _

 

_ End Scene _

 

_ Dee and Frank are sitting in Dee’s apartment discussing something when Charlie bursts in. _

 

**Charlie:** Guys! Guys, I’ve got news!

 

**Dee:** God damn it, didn’t I make you give me your keys back?   
  
**Charlie:** Yeah, but your door was unlocked.

 

**Frank:** You’ve really gotta lock your door, Deandra.

 

**Dee:** I know I do, Frank, you were the last one who came in!

 

**Charlie:** Who gives a shit? Dennis is back!

 

**Dee and Frank:** _ What?, Really?, etc. _

 

**Charlie:** Yeah, yeah, and it’s  _ super  _ awkward.

 

**Dee:** What? For who?

 

**Charlie:** Dennis and Mac!

 

**Frank:** Aw shit.

 

**Charlie:** Yeah, dude.

 

**Dee:** Well, that’s not our problem. You know what is our problem?  _ She pauses.  _ The Range Rover.

 

**Frank:** Oh, shit! The Range Rover!

 

**Charlie:** Who’s the Range Rover? Like, some kinda Lone Ranger guy, or…?

 

**Dee:** The Range Rover isn’t a person, Charlie, it was Dennis’ car. The one we blew up last year?

 

**Charlie:** Oh no, I totally forgot about that! Dennis is gonna be pissed as hell.

 

**Frank:** We gotta distract him from it.

 

**Dee:** Distract him? ‘Til when?

 

**Frank:** _ He shrugs _ ‘Til he dies.  _ Charlie scoffs and Dee sighs.  _

 

_ End Scene _

 

_ Dennis is sitting on the couch in Mac and Dennis’ apartment. Mac comes in from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn, and Dennis pushes a button on a remote. _

 

**Mac:** Alright,  _ Predator _ time! Whoop whoop!  _ (whoop whoop im dead inside) _

 

**Dennis:** Hell yeah, baby! Aw man, I’ve missed this movie.

 

**Mac:** You missed it? When’s the last time you watched it?

 

**Dennis:** Since before I left? Why, when’s the last time you watched it?

 

**Mac:** Like, a week ago.

 

**Dennis:** You… you watched it without me?

 

**Mac:** Yeah. 

 

**Dennis:** ...Why?

 

**Mac:** I didn’t know when you were coming back. I wasn’t just gonna never watch my favorite movie again.

 

**Dennis:** ...Right.

 

**Mac:** Uh… Let’s just watch the movie.

 

**Dennis:** Yeah, yeah, right right right.  _ They sit in silence for a little bit. After a few moments, Mac laughs at something on the screen. He grabs the remote and turns down the volume. _

 

**Mac:** _ Doing a bad Borat impression  _ “My wife!” Ha, right, Dennis?

 

**Dennis:** No, what? What was that in reference to?

 

**Mac:** The movie.

 

**Dennis:** No, I know it was the movie, I meant- Damnit. Just forget it.  _ They sit in silence again. Mac glances down at his beer, and then at Dennis’ fidgeting hands. _

 

**Mac:** Want a beer, bro?

 

**Dennis:** Oh, no. I’m almost a year sober now.

 

**Mac:** Sober? Like, Not-Drinking-Alcohol sober? 

 

**Dennis:** Is there another kind of sober out there that I’m unaware of?   
  
**Mac:** Well what the hell? You can’t go sober!

 

**Dennis:** I have a kid. I didn’t wanna be drunk around him like Frank was for me.

 

**Mac:** Didn’t you go through withdrawal?

 

**Dennis:** Yeah. But Mandy helped me with that. One of her friends is a therapist. It helped.

 

**Mac:** You and Mandy… Were you a couple?

 

**Dennis:** Oh, no. She had a boyfriend when she contacted me. They got married, actually, which is why I’m back. He’s dad enough for Brian.

 

**Mac:** Oh. So you didn’t wanna come home?

 

**Dennis:** Not really.

 

**Mac:** Oh.  _ Dennis turns the volume back up. Mac and Dennis both scooch farther away from each other. _

 

**Dennis:** I think I’m gonna turn in.  _ He starts walking to his room. _

 

**Mac:** Oh, that’s my room.

 

**Dennis:** No it’s not.

 

**Mac:** Yes, it is. I only got the one bed when I rebuilt the apartment, remember? 

 

**Dennis:** And you never got a second?  _ Mac stands _ .

 

**Mac:** No! I didn’t! 

 

**Dennis:** Why not?!

 

**Mac:** BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME! You-you were gone! Dennis, we had no clue if you were ever coming back! So no, I didn’t spend hundreds of dollars on another bed that may or may not ever be used. 

 

**Dennis:** Fine! Okay, but I’m still taking the bed tonight.

 

**Mac:** What? No, you’re not! It’s not yours!

 

**Dennis:** Well, I’m sure-as-hell not sleeping next to the dick bike. 

 

**Mac:** Fine. Then don’t sleep here at all.

 

**Dennis:** What?

 

**Mac:** I want you to leave.

 

**Dennis:** You can’t ask me to leave, this is my apartment too.

 

**Mac:** Not really. You haven’t paid rent for the past year, you don’t own almost anything in here… So. Get out.

 

**Dennis:** Fine.

 

**Mac:** Great.

 

_ Dennis sniffs, looks at the floor, and leaves, slamming the door behind him. _

 

_ End Scene _

 

_ Dee, Frank, and Charlie are in Dee’s living room. Frank and Charlie are sitting on the couch in front of Dee, who is showing them a giant poster-type thing. _

 

**Dee:** Listen up, boners. We can distract Dennis from the car until he dies, and frankly, it’ll be pretty easy. At least easy compared to some other shit we’ve pulled off. Ya know, we aren’t seducing anyone, or writing musicals…

 

**Frank:** Digging up dead bodies… 

 

**Dee:** Exactly, exactly. All we have to do is be extra nice to Dennis!

 

**Charlie:** That might be a problem, because I hate Dennis?

 

**Dee:** You don’t have to be nice to him  _ all  _ the time. Just offer him rides to places. 

 

**Frank:** We don’t own cars.

 

**Dee:** Then-then call him an Uber or something! I don’t care! 

 

**Charlie:** You should care, if you’re making it this whole big thing-

 

**Dee:** Shut up! I don’t care! I don’t care! Now. The second thing we have to do is subtly convey to Dennis that the Range Rover is not a cool car, and that there are a million better cars within his price range.

 

**Charlie:** Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. It is a shitty car.

 

**Frank:** Aw, you don’t like the Rover?

 

**Charlie:** Nah dude, I haven’t been able to go in a lake since Dennis almost drowned us with that thing.

 

**Frank:** That ain’t the car’s fault, that’s Dennis’!

 

**Charlie:** That’s a good point! Also another reason to hate Dennis.

 

**Dee:** Ah! Who cares! This isn’t about the car, this is about us protecting our asses! 

 

**Charlie:** Jeez, Dee, this isn’t that important. Would you stop with the screeching? 

 

**Dee:** Not that-? Then why are you here?!

 

**Charlie:** Honestly, I’m kinda avoiding the Waitress right now. I mean, thank God she wasn’t pregnant, but she won’t stop calling me, and showing up at the apartment… 

 

**Dee:** You’ve been doing that for years! Just - whatever. Fine. I don’t care. Now would you please listen up? I worked very hard on this, and if you don’t listen, I’ll rip your ears off. Okay? Okay. The third thing we have to do is convince Dennis he never got his license.  _ Dennis rushes in. Dee quickly hands the poster to Frank, who throws it out the window.  _

 

**Dennis:** Dee, I’m staying here tonight.

 

**Dee:** Of course you are.

 

**Frank:** What’s wrong with your apartment?

 

**Dennis:** Mac kicked me out.

 

**Dee:** Damn. Didn’t know he had the balls.

 

**Dennis:** Yeah, yeah, it’s very entertaining. I’m gonna go scream into a pillow for an hour, so I’ll be in the bedroom.  _ He exits the room. A few seconds later, sounds of crying and muffled screaming can be heard. _

 

**Charlie:** Oh, Jesus.

 

**Frank:** Now we have to deal with all that.  _ Dee puts her face in her hands. _

 

_ End Scene _

 

_ Mac is in his room, lying on the left side of the bed. His eyes are wide open. The clock reads 1:29am. Mac gets up and starts pacing. _

 

**Mac:** He’s your best friend, idiot. Stop being an idiot. Ugh!  _ He picks up his phone and calls Charlie. Dee picks up. _

 

**Dee:** Hel-

 

**Mac:** Charlie, I don’t know what’s going on. I had a fight with Dennis, and now I can’t sleep… I’m freaking out, man. Does he hate me? I… I missed him, and he didn’t care at all.

 

**Dee:** You should talk to Dennis about that.

 

**Mac:** What?! Dee?! Where’s Charlie?

 

**Dee:** Asleep. Grow a pair and talk to Dennis.

 

**Mac:** No! Ew! 

 

**Dee:** Why is that ew?

 

**Mac:** Do you know how easy it would be for Dennis to reject me if I “talked about my feelings”? Dennis doesn’t  _ have  _ feelings, remember?

 

**Dee:** What? Yes he does?

 

**Mac:** No he doesn’t!

 

**Dee:** Don’t you remember Valentine’s Day? 

 

**Mac:** Of course I remember Valentine’s Day! That doesn’t prove he has feelings, Dee.

 

**Dee:** Ohhh shit, you weren’t in the room then!

 

**Mac:** When?

 

**Dee:** Before you gave him the present! He-he went on this whole rant about how he has “big feelings”, whatever the hell that means.

 

**Mac:** He said that?   
  


**Dee:** Yeah. Now will you please make up with him? I don’t want him in my apartment anymore.

 

**Mac:** Is he awake right now?

 

**Dee:** I’m not my brother’s keeper!

 

**Mac:** You’re not  _ what? _

 

**Dee:** My brother’s keeper! It’s an expressing. It means I don’t know.

 

**Mac:** Then say that!

 

**Dee:** Ugh! Why do you need to know if he’s awake?

 

**Mac:** Tell him to head to the bar. 

 

**Dee:** When? ASAP?

 

**Mac:** Hmm…

 

**Dee:** That means as soon as possible.

 

**Mac:** I know what it means! Yes, obviously now! God, Dee! Goodbye!

 

**Dee:** B- And you hung up. Dennis!

 

_ End Scene _

 

_ Mac is now pacing in the bar instead of his room. The clock on the wall says it’s just past 2:00am. Dennis enters, and Mac freezes. _

 

**Mac:** Dennis.

 

**Dennis:** Mac.

 

**Mac:** Can we talk?

 

**Dennis:** ...Sure.

 

**Mac:** Um… Is Brian ever gonna visit?

 

**Dennis:** Yeah, every once in awhile. I’ll visit them sometimes, too.

 

**Mac:** Cool, cool. Did you date anyone in North Dakota?

 

**Dennis:** Nah. You? Any boyfriends?

 

**Mac:** One, but we broke up after a month or two.

 

**Dennis:** Oh. Sorry about that.

 

**Mac:** Nah, he was a huge dick.  _ Dennis laughs.  _ Are we still best friends?

 

**Dennis:** ‘Course, dude. Always. How was the bar?

 

**Mac:** Same old. Dee actually learned how to mix drinks, so that’s a plus. Dee said… You have feelings again?

 

**Dennis:** Mac, I’ve always had feelings.

 

**Mac:** But you always said-

 

**Dennis:** I know what I said, but. It was a lie. The way you lied about being straight.  _ Mac nods, and opens his mouth to speak. He hesitates.  _ Just say it. Can’t get any worse than it is now, right?

 

**Mac:** Heh. Right. Um, did you  _ Acts like he doesn’t even care  _ like, pfft, miss me, or whatever?

 

**Dennis:** Yes. I missed everyone. Not Frank, though. Or Charlie. Barely Dee. But… Yeah, I missed you.

 

**Mac:** Oh. Cool.

 

**Dennis:** Yeah. Cool.

 

**Mac:** Is it gay if I hug you?

 

**Dennis:** Mac. You’re gay. Everything you do, therefore, is gay.

 

**Mac:** Oh, right!  _ He throws his arms around Dennis’ neck tightly. Dennis smiles slightly and hugs him back.  _ I missed you too.  _ They pull apart.  _ Wanna go watch  _ Predator?  _

 

**Dennis:** Hell yeah I do! Let me just grab my keys - I left the Rover here, didn't I?

 

**Mac:**  ...Oh... About that...

 

_End Scene_

 

_Dennis bursts into Dee's apartment, screaming._

****

**Dennis:** DEE, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY CAR? _  
_

 

**Dee:** GOD DAMN IT, MAC!

 

_End Episode_

 


	2. "Reynolds v. Reynolds: The Range Rover Defense"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gang holds a trial to figure out who should pay for a new Range Rover for Dennis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Reynolds v. Reynolds: The Cereal Defense, because that's such an amazing episode. I did put some CharDee hints in here, too! I do apologize for some anti-semitic comments at the beginning. I would like to say that I do NOT agree with what these problematic assholes say. Aside from that, enjoy!

_ Title Card: 11:37 _

_ Title Card: On a Friday _

 

_ The Gang is in an empty courtroom. It’s clearly dark outside. Frank is sitting in a Judge’s chair, and Dennis and Mac are sitting on one side of a courtroom while Charlie and Dee sit on the other. Everyone’s shouting over each other. Frank slams his fist on the table multiple times. _

 

**Frank:** Order! Order!

 

**Dennis:** Damnit Frank, you can’t call order when you can’t find the gavel!

 

**Frank:** It ain’t my fault! They must lock it up at night. You know how Jews are!

 

**Dee:** Whoa!

 

**Charlie:** Jesus, dude, right off the bat like that? 

 

**Mac:** Petition to kick Frank out of the Judge’s chair?  _ The Gang all raise their hands except for Frank. _

 

**Frank:** What? Hey, I earned my spot here!

 

**Dennis:** No, you didn’t!

 

**Charlie:** Yeah, I’m only here so Dee will let me stay at her apartment. And we all know why Mac’s on Dennis’ side, so.

 

**Mac:** Yeah, yeah, I’m only  _ here _ because me and Dennis are in a really good place right now, and I don’t wanna mess that up.

 

**Dennis:** You mean “Dennis and I”.

 

**Mac:** Shut up, dude, do you want me defending you or not?

 

**Frank:** Excuse me, I believe that I called for order in my courtroom.  _ They shut up.  _ If the prosecution and defense are ready, I would like to begin with opening statements. So, Mac and Charlie: Why the shit are we here?

 

_ Title Card: “Reynolds v. Reynolds: The Range Rover Defense” _

_ Title Card: “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” _

_ Transition: “Charlie’s Opening” _

 

**Charlie:** Imagine - One day, your friend of 30 years decides to pack up and move halfway across the country indefinitely. What do you do, ladies and gentlemen? You blow up. His car. Dennis Jimothy Reynolds -

 

**Dennis:** Objection, that’s not my middle name.

 

**Charlie:** Sustained.

 

**Dee:** No, you don’t say that.

 

**Charlie:** _ Stage whispering  _ Do you wanna win this case or not?  _ Normal voice  _ Uh, Frank? 

 

**Frank:** Overruled.

 

**Charlie:** Yea! As I was saying… Dennis, as we all know, is a bastard. He’s a crack addict, he “gets off” on crime, and now? A murderer?

 

**Mac:** What exactly do you think is happening here? This is about a car! Dee’s the one being accused!

 

**Charlie:** Right! Well. As you all know, parrots  _ they all groan  _ are especially-

 

_ Transition: “Mac’s Opening” _

 

**Mac:** Your honor. Opposing counsel. Ladies and Gentleman of the jury. We are gathered here today for one reason and one reason only: YOU DON’T BLOW UP CARS! 

 

**Dee:** You helped blow up the car!

 

**Mac:** That rocket was a gift to Dennis!

 

**Dee:** Oh, please. We all know Dennis doesn’t give a shit about you.

 

**Mac:** That’s-That’s just not true. Right Dennis?

 

**Dennis:** Focus on the trial! Oh, my god…

 

**Mac:** Yeah, and, and the Range Rover was his very valuable car. So blowing it up was dumb, and Dee should buy him a new one because it was her idea. Done.

 

**Frank:** Wow. Where’d you get that opening from?

 

**Mac:** I watched hours of high school mock trial tournaments. I learned a lot. Like, did you know that the prosecution is the person bringing the case to court? 

 

**All minus Mac:** _ Various changes to the word “no”. _

 

**Mac:** It’s wild. Now Frank, you say “if the prosecution is ready, they may present their first witness”.

 

**Frank:** I’m not doin’ shit.

 

**Dennis:** I’ll just- I’ll just go up.

 

_ Transition: “Witness #1: Dennis Reynolds” _

_ Dennis is now sitting in the witness stand. Mac is standing in front of him. _

 

**Mac:** Please state your name for the court.

 

**Dennis:** _ Sighs  _ Dennis Reynolds. But everyone in here already knows that.

 

**Mac:** Now, Mr. Reynolds - May I call you Dennis?

 

**Dennis:** I-Yeah, yes. Okay. 

 

**Mac:** Great. So Dennis - May I call you Den?

 

**Dennis:** Mac!

 

**Mac:** Is… That a yes?

 

**Dennis:** Yes! Fine!

 

**Mac:** So, Den. Can you describe your car to me?

 

**Dennis:** ‘Course. Uh, it’s a forest-green 2006 Range Rover.  _ Mac slowly becomes less interested  _ Tan leather seats, uh, five seats, and uh, uh… what are you doing?

 

**Mac:** Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Can you please point out who your best friend is?

 

**Dennis:** ...What?

 

**Mac:** For the court, please.

 

**Dennis:** Uh………… You?

 

**Charlie:** Objection, The Honor? Uh, who cares who Dennis’ best friend is?  _ They look over at Frank. The chair is empty. They move on. _

 

**Mac:** Withdrawn, council. Getting back on track here; Have you ever heard the Defendant threaten your car before the fact?

 

**Dennis:** Maybe not the car, but she  _ is  _ the most violent woman I’ve ever met in my entire life.

 

**Charlie:** Objection! My client is a gentle soul. And, and if anything, Dennis is the violent one. Dude, you yell, like, a lot.

 

**Dee:** You did rip off the head of a crow.

 

**Mac:** You lit my closet on fire once.

 

**Dennis:** Those are all completely understandable things! And-and the last one, that wasn’t out of anger, that was for the symbolism of the thing!

 

**Mac:** I had to buy an entire new wardrobe!   
  


**Dennis:** I did you a favor then!  _ Dennis, Mac, Charlie, and Dee all start arguing over each other. They fall silent when a gavel bangs very, very loudly. They look over to Frank, who’s back in his chair with the gavel. _

 

**Frank:** Look what I found! ‘Was locked up under the desk, but I chewed through.

 

**Dee:** I’m sorry - You  _ chewed  _ through?

 

**Frank:** I’m 70, I’ve still got my teeth!

 

**Dennis:** You having teeth isn’t what we’re surprised by! Jesus, Frank. You know what? Let’s just get this over with. Dee hates me. She blew up my car. She needs to buy me a new one. Okay? Can I sit back down now?  _ They all kinda shrug. Dennis addresses Mac  _ How hard would that’ve been, man?

 

**Mac:** Right, well, I’m the lawyer here, so don’t act like you know what you’re doing.  _ Dennis opens his mouth to respond, but Mac cuts him off by turning to Charlie.  _ Is the defense ready to call its first witness?

 

_ Transition: “Witness #2: Dee Reynolds” _

_ Dee is now sitting in the witness stand. Charlie is standing in front of her. _

 

**Charlie:** Please state your name, Dee.

 

**Dee:** …Dee.

 

**Charlie:** Can you please describe your relationship with Dennis for me.

 

**Dee:** He’s my brother. And a dickhead.

 

**Mac:** Whoa! Objection! That is completely false!   
  


**Dee:** Is it? Is it, Mac? Think about it. Dennis is a man who, after knowing you for almost 30 years, decides to leave just to live with some random Midwest-trash and her son. I wouldn’t do that! Charlie wouldn’t do that! We all know Frank wouldn’t do that! Dennis doesn’t care about you! Isn’t that why you blew up the car with us in the first place? 

 

**Mac:** Well… I mean, yeah… 

 

**Dennis:** No, hey, no! Mac, don’t listen to her. It’s time for the cross-examination, okay? Charlie, you sit down. I’m taking over.  _ Charlie sits, and Dennis approaches the witness box.  _ Now, Deandra, who owned the Range Rover?

 

**Dee:** You did.

 

**Dennis:** And who owned the RPG you used to blow up the car?

 

**Dee:** Mac bought it.

 

**Dennis:** Yes, but who did he give it to?

 

**Dee:** You. But you were undeserving of it! I mean, did you give him anything in return?   
  


**Dennis:** Well, no. Wait, hey, I’m not the one on trial right now! Jesus Christ. I’m gonna ask you again. Who did the RPG belong to?

 

**Dee:** _ She stays silent. Dennis raises an eyebrow at her. She sighs.  _ You.

 

**Dennis:** Me?! 

 

**Dee:** Yes!

 

**Dennis:** So you took someone else’s possession to obliterate someone else’s possession. Is that correct?

 

**Dee:** Yes, god damn it!

 

**Dennis:** Ha! Awesome!

 

**Dee:** Okay, can I just ask something though? Why am  _ I  _ the one on trial here? We  _ all  _ blew up the car. Why do I have to pay instead of, like, I don’t know. Charlie.  _ They all contemplate this. _

 

_ Transition: “Witness #3: Attorney at law Charlie Kelly” _

_ Charlie is now sitting in the witness stand. Mac is standing in front of him. _

 

**Mac:** Please state your name for the court.

 

**Frank:** Do we have to ask that every time? There isn’t even a stenographer here!

 

**Charlie:** What’s a stenographer?

 

**Mac:** I thought you were all about law stuff, Charlie! You don’t even know what a court stenographer is? I might have to ask you about your credentials!

 

**Charlie:** My  _ credentials?  _ Do you even hear yourself right now?

 

**Mac:** It’s a valid question, after all. Now, Mr. Kelly, do you have a degree in law?

 

**Charlie:** Not, like. A real one.

 

**Mac:** So when you say you “specialize in bird law”, what do you mean by that?

 

**Charlie:** What I mean is that I know the in’s-and-out’s of the bird world! I can’t think of a bird law fact out there that I wouldn’t know.

 

**Mac:** And you’ve learned this from, what. The internet?

 

**Charlie:** Life, man.

 

**Mac:** …Right, well, let’s move on. Now, you did help destroy the car, am I correct in saying that?

 

**Charlie:** Yeah, that’s correct in… in saying that?

 

**Mac:** And why exactly did you decide to defend Ms. Reynolds in today’s case?

 

**Charlie:** BECAUSE THE CAR SUCKED, AND SO DOES DENNIS!

 

**Mac:** Jesus Christ, dude.

 

**Frank:** Charlie, Charlie, you’re getting too worked up! I-I think I’ve heard enough. Now, let’s all take a break before my final ruling.

 

**Mac:** That’s actually called a recess.

 

**Charlie:** Wha - You don’t know what it’s called, what are - what are your credentials, huh? 

 

_ Transition: “Recess” _

_ Charlie and Dee and whispering to each other. Mac and Dennis are by the doors of the courtroom. _

 

**Dennis:** Alright, how do you think we’re looking here, Mac? You think we’re gonna win?

 

**Mac:** Honestly, I have no idea. We’re all still pretty pissed at you for leaving, and Frank and Charlie have that weird connection. It’s a good thing Charlie just flipped his shit on the stand.

 

**Dennis:** Yeah, yeah, you’re right, you’re right.

 

**Mac:** But I will say, that even if Frank rules in favor of Dee, she’s definitely still paying for it.

 

**Dennis:** Well, yeah, I’ve just assumed as much.

 

**Mac:** That feels like no one’s responsibility, but since we’ve agreed to pass the blame to her…

 

**Dennis:** Exactly, exactly.  _ He glances over at Dee and Charlie, who are just glaring at them.  _ What are they doing right now? Look, look at them!  _ Mac looks over at them. _

 

**Mac:** What the hell? Well… Should we glare back?

 

**Dennis:** I don’t know what else we  _ can  _ do, dude.  _ They start glaring back. This evolves into them just making the weirdest faces at each other. After about 30 seconds, Frank pounds the gavel, ending the recess. _

 

_ Transition: “Judge Reynolds’ Ruling” _

_ Everyone is back in their seats. All eyes are on Frank. _

 

**Frank:** I’ve listened to what you all have to say, and I have some comments on it. First of all - Charlie, you’re a fantastic lawyer. Don’t let Mac try to tell you otherwise, alright man?

 

**Charlie:** Thanks for saying that, man.

 

**Frank:** Of course, Charlie. Deandra, you made a compelling argument about why exactly we decided to pick you. Mac, I had no clue what the shit you were talking about for 90% of the time, but you kept creeping me out, so I had to dock some points for that.

 

**Mac:** Psh. Homophobe.  _ Dennis rolls his eyes.  _

 

**Frank:** Dennis… Leaving The Gang was a real dick move, and I forget everything else brought up about you.

 

**Charlie:** That was pretty much it, it was mainly just, you know, ‘Dennis the Dick’ and nothin’ else, so… 

 

**Frank:** Right, right, it was a very convincing argument. Finally, it all comes down to the verdict. Because of what I’ve seen here today, I’m gonna have to rule in favor-  _ The doors burst open and 4 security guards with guns run in. Everyone jumps up and start panicking.  _

 

**Security Guard #1:** Hey! Hands up!

 

**Security Guard #2:** _ Speaking into a walkie-talkie  _ We’ve found ‘em - four men, one woman, all caucasian. Breaking and entering at the Philadelphia Civil Court.  _ The Gang starts looking around the room. Charlie lets out a battlecry and jumps out a large window on the left wall of the room. The rest of The Gang quickly follows after him. The security guards run over to the window and watch The Gang scramble off in different directions. _

 

**Security Guard #1:** God damn.

 

_ END EPISODE.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Next chapter is one I'm REALLY excited for! I am actually a mock trial kid, so this was especially fun to write. Our team was second in super regionals this year! But that's off topic. Leave a kudos or a comment and I'll love you forever. Thanks for reading!


	3. "The Gang Goes to Pride"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac convinces The Gang to go to California for the LGBT Pride Parade. Dee and Frank try to get on a float, Charlie makes some new friends, and Dennis and Mac make a bet to see who gets Frank's shares when he dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so fun to write! I realize this is a lot more soft than all the other episodes of iasip, but my heart hurts so bad whenever I think about Mac feeling happy and loved and comfortable in his own skin. Enjoy!

_ Title Card: 9:50 _

_ Title Card: On a Thursday _

 

_ The Gang (minus Mac) is sitting around the bar looking over various medical bills. _

 

**Dennis:** Jesus Christ, Frank, how many times have you been to the hospital?

 

**Dee:** Is this  _ all  _ from last year? There’s gotta be $300,000 worth of heart attacks here!

 

**Charlie:** I’m like, genuinely worried, man. What would happen if you died one day?   
  
**Frank:** Of course I’m gonna die someday! So are you, Charlie!  _ Charlie’s eyes go wide and he stares off into space. Mac enters. _

 

**Mac:** Heyo! I’ve got news!

 

**Dennis:** Oh, thank god, ‘cause this was getting really depressing. 

 

**Dee:** Yeah, what’s up, Mac?

 

**Mac:** Have you guys ever heard of Pride?

 

**Frank:** …The deadly sin?

 

**Mac:** What? No, dude. The festival in San Diego! I read about it online. Basically, it’s where a bunch of gay people go to drink and watch parades and shit.

 

**Charlie:** Oh, well that’s pretty cool.

 

**Dee:** Hm, yeah, I’ve heard about this. I guess the LGBT+ community loves getting wasted and taking pictures. And I’ll tell you, these things go absolutely viral. Those people on the floats? They look happy, they look attractive… That is some grade-A publicity right there.

 

**Dennis:** Well, I’m pretty sure that’s just exploiting a community, but sure, yeah, you’re right. 

 

**Frank:** So why are we talking about this? Are you going?

 

**Mac:** Well… Actually, I thought maybe  _ we  _ could go. 

 

**All (minus Mac):** Eh… 

 

**Mac:** Please?  _ The Gang exchange a look. _

 

_ Title Card: “The Gang Goes to Pride” _

_ Title Card: “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” _

 

_ The Gang, now in San Diego, is outside somewhere, decked out in various rainbow gear. Mac starts handing out rainbow headbands. _

 

**Mac:** Alright! Now, I’m glad you guys all got the message to wear LGBT-style clothing. Take these headbands, okay, so we can all match!  _ The Gang reluctantly takes the headbands and puts them on. _

 

**Charlie:** I’m not so sure about all of this, guys.

 

**Mac:** What? Why not?

 

**Charlie:** I’m just not sure there’s a whole lot for me to do here.

 

**Dee:** What, are you kidding? There’s all sorts of shit to do out here! There’s booze, hot girls - what’s not to like?

 

**Frank:** Aren’t all the broads lesbians?

 

**Dennis:** Well, not all of them. There’s, of course, your transgenders, your bisexuals, asexuals… 

 

**Charlie:** “Asexual”, you say? I like the sound of that.

 

**Mac:** Charlie, do you even know what that word means?

 

**Charlie:** Well, no, but. “Asexual”. That’s a fun word. It’s like, uh, Ace Ventura.

 

**Dee:** Right, okay, well, while you’re doing that, I’m gonna be the center of a float.

 

**Mac:** Why would you wanna do that?

 

**Frank:** I think I get it. Last night, I did some research of my own on this whole “gay pride parade”, and I think Deandra’s right. All eyes on you as you’re tearin’ it up like it was 1970 - That’s the dream!

 

**Dee:** Well, that wasn’t quite what I was going for, but I’m glad someone’s on board!  _ Dee spots a young woman holds a clipboard talking into a headset.  _ Look at her! She seems important. Let’s go see if she’ll let us on a float, huh Frank?   
  


**Frank:** Oh! Good plan!  _ They rush over to her, leaving Charlie, Mac, and Dennis standing awkwardly. Charlie still looks deeply unsettled. _

 

**Mac:** Are you sure you’re okay, bro?

 

**Charlie:** I don’t know, man, I’m just really worried about Frank.

 

**Dennis:** The same Frank who does cocaine every morning and for some reason thinks he’s still 20 years old? That Frank?   
  
**Charlie:** Well yeah, man! You saw those hospital bills! He’s seriously unhealthy! I don’t even know how old he is? 90? 100?

 

**Mac:** Frank isn’t 90, Charlie. At least… Actually, I don’t know how old he is. Oh my god, Frank could die at any moment and I wouldn’t even know how old he was!

 

**Dennis:** Keep it together! What we really need to be concerned with is his money.

 

**Mac:** Ohh… 

 

**Dennis:** That argument we had all those years ago about who gets Frank’s shares in the bar? That was never really resolved, was it? 

 

**Charlie:** How do we decide who gets them? We could just give them to Dee. 

 

**Mac:** Ew! And let  _ her  _ have the majority ownership? I’d rather swallow my teeth!

 

**Dennis:** Yeah, I’m gonna half to agree with Mac on this one.  _ Mac swells with pride. A man in his thirties walks past the group, winking at Dennis as he does so.  _ Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s make a bet. Whoever can get the most amount of guys’ numbers today gets Frank’s shares when he inevitably crawls in a pit and dies.

**Mac:** Yes!                                                                                            **Charlie:** Eh… 

 

_ End scene. _

 

_ Dee and Frank are a few feet away from the girl they pointed out earlier. She’s short, with dark brown hair in braids, and is talking frantically into the mic on her headset. _

 

**Dee:** So, Frank, how do you wanna do this?

 

**Frank:** I say we just go in there with confidence. She seems stressed, so maybe we can confuse her into letting us walk right past!

 

**Dee:** Hm. I don’t think that will work, because  _ Frank starts walking towards her  _ \- Oh, god damn it, Frank!  _ Dee follows after reluctantly. _ Uh, hi there, uh  _ She squints at the woman’s name tag  _ Justice. 

 

**Frank:** We-we think we’re lost. We’re supposed to be on a float right now.

 

**Justice:** Oh, okay!  _ Dee and Frank exchange a sly look  _ So what float are you supposed to be on?

 

**Frank:** Well that’s… uh, the… uh… 

 

**Dee:** Right, the-the one about… LGBT representation… in, um…

 

**Frank:** In TV shows.

 

**Dee:** Yeah, yep. LGBT representation in TV shows. That’s the one.

 

**Justice:** Okay, one moment.  _ She flips through the papers on her clipboard before landing on a sign-off sheet.  _ Sorry, I didn’t catch your names?

 

**Dee:** Oh… I’m Dee. This here is-

 

**Frank:** Mantis.

 

**Dee:** You - What?

 

**Frank:** Mantis Toboggan, at your service.

 

**Justice:** ...Right, well I don’t see a Dee or a…  _ Mantis  _ on this float list.

 

**Dee:** Oh, no? That’s a shame, we must’ve gotten misplaced or something… 

 

**Justice:** I’m sorry, I’m not convinced you two are actually meant to be here. Are you actors, or writers for a show, or…?

 

**Dee:** Uh, no.

 

**Justice:** Are you guys part of the LGBT community?

 

**Frank:** Probably not.

 

**Justice:** …I’m gonna have to ask you guys to stop bothering me, and just enjoy the weekend, okay?

 

**Frank:** This thing lasts a whole weekend?  _ Dee and Frank start walking off. _

 

**Justice:** Wait, Dee? 

 

**Dee:** _ Dee and Frank both stop and turn to her.  _ Yeah?

 

**Justice:** Sorry if I’m out of line here, but…  _ She scribbles something on the top of her paper, rips it off, and hands it to Dee.  _ Gimme a call sometime, yeah?

 

**Dee:** Oh…! Thanks…!  _ Justice smiles at her and walks away, starting to talk to someone else about something else. Dee turns to Frank.  _ Oh my god, Frank, do you know what this means?

 

**Frank:** Lesbians are desperate? 

 

**Dee:** What? No! It  _ means  _ that I am hot! Ha!  _ She laughs hysterically and wanders off. _

 

_ End scene. _

 

_ Dennis, Mac, and Charlie are all scoping out the crowd. Mac and Charlie are holding beers, but Dennis is empty-handed. _

 

**Dennis:** Alright, boys, what are we looking at here? Anyone jumping out at you?

 

**Charlie:** Hmm… What about that group over there?  _ He points to a group of six or seven trans women. _

 

**Dennis:** Charlie, those are women.

 

**Charlie:** Well excuse me for being the only straight guy here!

 

**Dennis:** Charlie. I’m straight.

 

**Mac:** Well… 

 

**Charlie:** I mean… 

 

**Mac:** You do wear makeup, dude.

 

**Dennis:** Straight men can wear makeup!

 

**Charlie:** They can, but they don’t. Now, I’m pretty sure Frank will just end up leaving his shares to me, and those girls seem really nice, so enjoy this, I guess.  _ Charlie walks over to them and introduces himself. _

 

**Mac:** Yeah, well, we will!  _ To Dennis  _ What a jerk.

 

**Dennis:** Ha. Tell me about it. N-

 

**Mac:** I just did.

 

**Dennis:** _ He pauses, then decides to just move on  _ Now which guy are you looking after right now? 

 

**Mac:** See-  _ Two guys (Mike and Dante), likely in their early-thirties, come up to Dennis and Mac with beers in hand. _

 

**Dante:** Hey, guys.  _ He hands a beer to Mac. Mac quickly drinks what’s left of the beer he was already holding, and he throws it on the ground. Mike and Dante exchange a look over this, but shrug over it and move on.  _ I’m Dante.

 

**Mike:** Mike.  _ He goes to hand the beer to Dennis, who steps away from the drink and closer to Mac. _

 

**Dennis:** Oh, sorry man, I don’t drink. Thanks, though. I’m Dennis. This is Mac.

 

**Mike:** Cool. Nice to meet you guys. This your first Pride?   
  


**Mac:** Yeah! We flew in from Philly.

 

**Dante:** Whoa, Philadelphia? Damn, that’s far! You think it was worth it so far?

 

**Dennis:** Yeah, yeah, we’re really enjoying it. Ain’t that right, Mac?  _ He swings his arm over Mac’s shoulder and grins at Mike and Dante. _

 

**Dante:** I’m sorry, are you guys a couple? We didn’t mean to, uh, overstep our bounds, here, guys.

 

**Mac:** What?

 

**Dennis:** Why would you - Oh, oh!  _ Moves his arm off Mac’s shoulder and takes a big step away from him.  _ Sorry, no, we aren’t.

 

**Mac:** Yeah, we’re just friends. Best friends, actually. We’ve lived together for almost 20 years now! Isn’t that right, Den?

 

**Dennis:** I mean, that’s pretty unnecessary for them to know, but yeah.

 

**Mike:** Cool, cool. Well, you two sure  _ seem  _ like a couple!  _ He laughs and Mac and Dennis join, very loudly and awkwardly.  _

 

**Dante:** Remember, you guys, you’re safe here. You’re among the most supportive crowd you can be among! Don’t feel the need to hide. You came all this way, right?

 

**Mac:** I-I guess so.

 

**Dennis:** We’re… we’re really not… 

 

**Mike:** Okay, guys, well. We’ll see you around, huh? 

 

**Mac:** Thanks for the beers, guys.

 

**Dante:** ‘Course! Have a good time, you guys. Use protection!  _ They all laugh and Dante and Mike walk away _

 

**Mac:** “Use protection”?  _ Dennis takes Mac’s beer and chugs half of it. He stops to take a breath, and glances at the cup. _

 

**Dennis:** Jesus shit. The dude wrote his number on your cup!

 

**Mac:** Really? Man, I’m good at this!  _ Dennis sighs and finishes the beer off. _

 

_ End scene. _

 

_ Dee is talking to two women while leaning against a float, trying to look cool. Somehow, it’s working!  _

 

**Dee:** I’m new to the whole Pride scene, but so far, I’m  _ loving  _ it! How ‘bout you guys? You guys loving it?  _ Frank comes up and starts butting in on the conversation. _

 

**Frank:** I’m loving it too, Deandra!  _ The women clearly don’t care about Frank. _

 

**Jenna:** Wow, so Dee is short for Deandra? That’s so cool!

 

**Dee:** Aw, thanks! Frank, this is Jenna and Mila. Jenna and Mila, this is Frank.

 

**Mila:** Hi, Frank. Say, Dee? What’d you say you do again?

 

**Dee:** Oh, I own a bar in South Philly.

 

**Frank:** You don’t own-

 

**Dee:** _ She leans down and whispers to Frank.  _ Frank, shut it! I’m  _ killing  _ it out here!  _ She stands up straight and grins brightly.  _ So what do you ladies do?

 

**Jenna:** We work at the Urban Outfitters just west of here. We’re also helping out here this weekend! ‘Have been for 4 years now.

 

**Dee:** Cool! Hey, this might sound weird, but do you think you could get us two on a float?

 

_ End scene. _

 

_ Mac and Dennis are arguing about something and counting slips of paper when Charlie runs up with a grin on his face and a shitload of necklaces around his neck. _

 

**Charlie:** Hey, guys! I’ve had the most amazing time here! Those girls were  _ so  _ badass! They bought me all this cool merch, and showed me the best spots for the parade - What’s goin’ on with you guys?

 

**Mac:** See, our bet is over, I won, and Dennis is butthurt about it!

 

**Dennis:** I mean, it wasn’t really fair in the first place, if you think about it! Mac has an advantage, because he’s gay! 

 

**Mac:** I’ve only been out for 2% of my life!

 

**Dennis:** You actually did the math for that? Jesus Christ, Mac, that’s insane! Why would you-

 

**Charlie:** Guys, guys, c’mon! I’m in such a good mood right now, do you have to kill this day that fast?

 

**Dennis + Mac:** Yes!

 

**Mac:** Wait - Hold on. Is that Frank and Dee?  _ Dee and Frank are whooping and hollering on a float driving by.  _ Holy shit. It is!  _ They start waving them down.  _ Yo, Sweet Dee!

 

**Dennis:** Sweet Dee! Frank! Come here!  _ Dee and Frank spot them and they hop off the float to approach them. _

 

**Dee:** Hey, guys! Look what we did!

 

**Frank:** Turns out Dee’s very good with the ladies. Got broads hangin’ all over her. We scammed our way in!

 

**Charlie:** Aw, well that’s cool.

 

**Mac:** Yeah, Dee, that’s awesome!

 

**Dennis:** Oh, god damnit! Why is everyone better at this than me! I’m the most attractive one out of all of us, clearly!  _ Clearly!  _ This makes no sense!

 

**Dee:** Whoa, what’s happening here?   
  
**Charlie:** Oh, see, they made a bet that whoever got the most numbers today would get Frank’s shares at Paddy’s when he dies.

 

**Frank:** What the shit? I’m young! I ain’t dying for years!

 

**Dennis:** I wouldn’t be so sure about that, dude. With the cocaine, and the cat food…

 

**Charlie:** Falling out of windows all the time… 

 

**Frank:** You make a good point! So, Mac won?

 

**Mac:** Yeah, look, dude.  _ He holds up a few pieces of paper  _ six numbers! Plus one written on a cup, so seven! I’m great at this!   
  


**Dee:** Wait, only seven? I got almost twenty!

 

**Dennis:** Jesus… 

 

**Dee:** Does… Does that mean I won? I get Frank’s shares! That’s what it means! Oh my gosh, I OWN YOUR ASSES!  _ She whoops excitedly before noticing Dennis and Mac’s bored expression  _ What, uh, why aren’t you guys more upset about this?

 

**Mac:** When we made the bet, we said whoever could get more  _ guy’s  _ numbers, so… 

 

**Dennis:** Yeah, those are girls’ numbers, so… Mac wins.

 

**Mac:** Yes!  _ Frank and Charlie start congratulating Mac. Mac starts dancing around, waving the numbers in the air. Everyone (minus Dee) starts chanting “Mac” loudly. _

 

**Dee:** This sucks.

 

**Mac:** Suck on it, Dee. Gay rich Mac is here to stay!  _ The Gang (again, minus Dee) cheers again. Dee rolls her eyes. _

  
_ END EPISODE. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! This has been my favorite concept for an episode ever since The Pictures of the cast at Pride surfaced, so I just had to write it. I've been sick from school since Thursday, so I've had a lot of time to write. The school musical is starting performances this week, so sorry if there's a bit of a delay before the next chapter. Thanks for reading!


	4. "Sweet Dee Solves Sexism"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee gets some attention for The Gang's constant abuse. The guys try matchmaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, remember me? I got some serious writers block after my school musical ended, so my writing was infrequent and not very good. This chapter is the product of that. 
> 
> As always, I apologize for the dumb gang being offensive, those words do not reflect me as a person. Enjoy!

_ Title Card: 8:53 _

_ Title Card: On a Tuesday _

 

_ We open watching a Project Badass video. Mac is speaking to the camera while Dee stands shivering behind him. _

 

**Mac:** Hey, America! Mac here, with another installment of Project Badass! Today I’m-

 

**Dee:** Mac?

 

**Mac:** Here to-

 

**Dee:** Mac? Mac!

 

**Mac:** Jesus Christ, Dee, what do you need?

 

**Dee:** It’s freezing out here!

 

**Mac:** And that’s my problem… Why?

 

**Dee:** Well I was thinking maybe I could have your ja-

 

**Mac:** So I’m out here today to jump through this window into my bar, Paddy’s Pub. Dee is here to-

 

**Dee:** Mac!

 

**Mac:** Oh my God, shut up, you stupid bitch!

 

**Dennis:** _ From behind the camera  _ Ha! You bird!  _ Dee scoffs.  _

 

**Mac:** Let’s just-

 

**Dennis:** Yeah, just do it.

 

**Mac:** Badass!  _ He quickly dives through the window and the video cuts off. We then see The Gang is watching the video on YouTube.  _ See how badass that was? 

 

**Charlie:** Yeah, too bad Dee ruined it with all her squawking.

 

**Dee:** What? I was cold! You guys were the ones making me “squawk” by not giving me a jacket!

 

**Mac:** You were there to get another angle on the shot - Which you didn’t do, by the way - not stand there complaining the whole time! It wasn’t even that cold out!

 

**Dee:** You had three layers, not including the bubble wrap! I had a t-shirt!

 

**Charlie:** Whoa, whoa, guys. Check out the comments on this.

 

**Frank:** Someone actually watched this thing?   
  


**Dennis:** Over 20,000 people! Holy shit, dude, you’ve gone viral!

 

**Mac:** Oh my god!

 

**Charlie:** _ Pushes Dee’s hand off the mouse and scrolls down to the comments  _ Look at these! “I feel so bad for that girl!” “These dudes are assholes.” “God. This hypermasculinity is disgusting.” What is all this?

 

**Dee:** Are they really saying that stuff about you?

 

**Dennis:** Pfft. Hypermasculinity. As if.

 

**Mac:** Ha. Right.

 

**Dee:** Shut up, boners! Do you realize what this means? I’m like, a feminist now!

 

**Frank:** I think you’re reading a little too far into this.

 

**Dee:** _ Cocks an eyebrow  _ Am I?

 

_ Title Card: “Sweet Dee Solves Sexism” _

_ Title Card: “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” _

 

_ Frank, Mac, Charlie, and Dennis are sitting in the bar filling out forms. _

 

**Mac:** Hey, what’d you guys get for number 4?

 

**Dennis:** It’s not a test, Mac. It’s a questionnaire. 

 

**Mac:** Well, I know that, I just wanna get the answer right.

 

**Charlie:** Will you guys shut up? I’m trying to concentrate! 

 

**Frank:** The only thing written on your paper is your name, and- Charlie, your last name isn’t Reynolds!

 

**Charlie:** That doesn’t say Reynolds, I know I’m not a Reynolds! I’m a Kelly boy!

 

**Frank:** There’s at least seven letters there.

 

**Charlie:** I just don’t get the point of these matchmaker forms! We’re doing fine on our own! I’ve got the Waitress, Frank’s got Artemis, Dennis has Mandy-

 

**Dennis:** No, he doesn’t.

 

**Charlie:** And Mac has Dennis.

 

**Dennis:** No! He doesn’t!

 

**Mac:** Look, we’re doing these because, well, we’re in our forties. Or, nineties, if you’re Frank. 

 

**Frank:** I’m not 90!

 

**Charlie:** Then how old are you?  _ Frank ponders this as Dee walks in. _

 

**Dee:** Yo! I’ve been getting followers like crazy since that video of me and Mac was uploaded! Look! I’m almost at 100k!  _ She shoves her phone in everybody’s faces. They all ignore her.  _ What are you doing?

 

**Mac:** Matchmaker questionnaires. You want one?

 

**Dee:** Nope. I don’t need a man.  _ The Gang all finally look up at her with confused expressions.  _ I told you! I’m a feminist icon! We don’t need men.

 

**Charlie:** I know that some feminists don’t, but…  _ you  _ do.

 

**Dennis:** You’d be living in a ditch somewhere right now if it wasn’t for us.

 

**Dee:** What? What have you guys ever done for me?

 

**Dennis:** Oh, c’mon. What  _ haven’t  _ we done? We gave you our job!

 

**Dee:** Ugh! Screw this! You guys are dickheads!

 

**Frank:** Are you sure you wanna head down this path, Deandra? This liberal bullshit is just giving women bad ideas. If abortion is legal, then how the hell will Mexico get their income?

 

**Dennis:** Jesus Christ, Frank! You obviously have no idea what Mexico is like. Or abortions, for that matter.

 

**Dee:** Can we get back to my thing? We never do my thing!

 

**Mac:** We’re  _ always  _ doing your thing! You just had your whole baby thing!

 

**Dee:** _ Explodes  _ That was almost 8 years ago! God, if only the internet can the way you people treat me - Then you’d be sorry!  _ She storms out. _

 

_ End scene. _

 

_ We see Dee crawling into the bar at night, dressed in all black. She crawls and somersaults over the bar, which she then climbs. She plants a very, very tiny camera in the corner of the bar wall. Next, she goes behind the bar and opens a beer. Dee takes a swig. _

 

**Dee:** Those bitches will get exactly what’s comin’ to them.

 

_ End scene. _

 

_ Dennis, Charlie, and Mac are walking on the sidewalk outside the bar. _

 

**Dennis:** Dude. You’re not getting it.

 

**Mac:** Oh, I think I’m getting it perfectly, dude!

 

**Charlie:** It doesn’t make sense! I’m all for dong shots, but you have to admit that driving four states away just to get a DVD with an extended dong shot in the special features is at least a  _ little  _ gay!   
  
**Dennis:** No! It’s-  _ He sighs  _ A guy appreciating a little extra dong in his life is perfectly straight!   
  


**Charlie + Mac:** Eh…  _ The walk into the bar. Frank is sitting on a stool _

 

**Dennis:** Oh, c’mon… Frank will-  _ Charlie steps in front of them abruptly, causing Dennis to stop speaking and all three of them stop walking. _

 

**Charlie:** Wait. There’s something off…  _ Charlie scans the bar for a few seconds before his eyes lands on the tiny camera in the corner of the room. He quickly crawls onto the bar and pulls the camera off the wall. He holds it up and examines it. _

 

**Frank:** What the hell is that?

 

**Mac:** Is that a camera?

 

**Frank:** We got bugged?!

 

**Charlie:** Some “Head of Security” you are, Mac.

 

**Dennis:** Well hey, let’s not blame Mac for this. Who would’ve planted a camera in our bar?!   
  


**Frank:** I didn’t do it. None of you did it. The only other person who has access to the bar was Deandra.

 

**Mac:** Why would Dee bug the bar she’s in every day?

 

**Dennis:** Are we not past the point of questioning  _ why  _ she does  _ anything _ ? That bitch.

 

**Mac:** She’s probably getting footage for some reality show idea that’ll never land.

 

**Dennis:** Or trying to record things that look like they’re illegal so she can sue someone.

 

**Frank:** Both are plausible. I think she’s gone off the deep-end, plain and simple. Forgot she works here and wants to piece together loose memories of this place.

 

**Dennis:** That’s insane!

 

**Mac:** Frank’s could be right. She’s not smart enough for our ideas.

 

**Dee:** I am too!  _ The Gang and the audience now sees that Dee is three beers deep in a booth. She’s been sitting there the entire time and gone unnoticed. _

 

**Dennis:** Jesus Christ! Where the hell did you come from?

 

**Dee:** Are you kidding? I’ve been here the whole time!

 

**Mac:** No, I don’t think so… 

 

**Dee:** You, you don’t “think so”? It’s just a fact! Hell, look at the footage of the camera I planted!

 

**Charlie:** So this  _ was  _ you!

 

**Dee:** Yeah, okay, yeah, it was me! I’ve gotten a… a little bit of heat online recently. So, I figured I go back to my roots, you know, and get some more evidence of you guys harassing me.

 

**Dennis:** Harass you? You bitch.

 

**Mac:** What are you even talking about? 

 

**Dee:** I’m talking about-

 

**Frank:** Oh! Guess what came in the mail today!  _ The Gang’s attention is now off Dee and onto Frank. He starts to open an orange envelope.  _ Our matchmaker forms!

 

**Charlie:** Oh, yeah!

 

**Mac:** Oh… These… !

 

**Dennis:** Honestly, I forgot we did these.

 

**Mac:** I was already on another thing.

 

**Frank:** Well, get back on this one!  _ He hands them out. They all glance through their forms. _

 

**Dennis:** Okay, here. I got paired with “Jill”. And then her email address is here. Huh. Says she’s a Taurus.

 

**Mac:** Is she hot?   
  


**Dennis:** I don’t know, there’s-there’s no picture, or anything, it just says her name and zodiac sign. This blows!

 

**Mac:** Why?

 

**Dennis:** How am I supposed to tell if she’s worthy of  _ He gestures to himself  _ all of this?

 

**Frank:** I’m having the same problem! “Rhea” here, an Aquarius, could be some old bitch. 

 

**Mac:** Frank,  _ you’re  _ an old bitch!

 

**Frank:** But I’m an irresistible one!

 

**Charlie:** Says here I have a “Mary”. She’s a Gemini. Hey, same as me!

 

**Dee:** Charlie, you’re an Aquarius.

 

**Dennis:** Jesus Christ, where the hell did you come from?

 

**Dee:** Is that a joke?

 

**Mac:** Okay, mine says “Kaitlin”.

 

**Charlie:** Kaitlin?

 

**Dennis:** Was there not an option for men, Mac?

 

**Mac:** Oh, I didn’t look.

 

**Frank:** You didn’t look?

 

**Mac:** I just assumed they’d know.  _ The Gang all starts clamoring about that until Mac cuts them off  _ Everyone else in my life knew without me telling them, so, I don’t know!  _ He looks at his sheet  _ Huh. I don’t see a box here for male or female. Those sons of bitches just assumed everyone taking it was straight! Can I sue them for that?

 

**Charlie:** Yeah, man! I’ll defend you!

 

**Mac:** Thanks, Charlie!  _ They high-five _

 

**Dennis:** No, no. You’re not going to court over a minor annoyance.

 

**Mac:** I’m actually furious about this, so, it’s hardly just an annoyance.

 

**Charlie:** Hey, what’d you guys get for #4?

 

**Dennis:** Guys, how many times do I have to tell you that it’s not a test! It’s a-  _ He looks at Charlie’s sheet  _ ...Huh. They put an “X” over your answer. What does that even say, Charlie?

 

**Charlie:** It says…  _ He squints at his writing  _ Look, it’s written right there in plain English!

 

**Dennis:** No it’s not!  _ You _ don’t even know what it says, god damn it!

 

**Mac:** Well, here, Dennis, gimme yours.  _ Dennis hands him his sheet and Mac looks at question 4  _ Holy shit, dude. This is, like,  _ crazy  _ sexist!

 

**Dennis:** What? No it’s not!

 

**Mac:** No, dude, it’s gross.

 

**Dennis:** There’s nothing wrong with saying your favorite feature on a woman is her mouth!  _ The Gang groans _

 

**Charlie:** Ew!

 

**Frank:** That’s low, Dennis!

 

**Dennis:** Oh, yeah,  _ sure,  _ Frank, like yours was better! What’d you write?

 

**Frank:** Tits.

 

**Mac:** What the hell! Mouth, tits, I think Charlie wrote “bird”? You three have no clue how to respect women.

 

**Charlie:** I would take “bird” as a compliment, honesty…  _ Dee makes a confused face at this _

 

**Mac:** These poor women are gonna have to meet with you, thinking you’re gonna be exactly alike… When’s the big matchmaker party thing?

 

**Frank:** The 15th.

 

**Mac:** Good, good, we have a lot time to prepare.

 

**Dennis:** No we don’t! What day do you think it is, Mac?

 

**Mac:** The 2nd?

 

**Charlie:** Ooh, Mac. 

 

**Dennis:** Jesus, dude.

 

**Charlie:** It’s the 5th, Mac!

 

**Mac:** Oh shit, is it?

 

**Dennis:** No! It’s the goddamn 14th!

 

**Mac:** Oh god!

 

**Dennis:** Mac, I bought you a calendar!

 

**Mac:** Yeah, but it’s so much easier to use the one on my phone.

 

**Dennis:** You clearly don’t use that one!

 

**Mac:** This is besides the point! You are gonna go into those dates and be respectful as possible, okay?

 

**Frank:** Wouldn’t our “perfect match” not mind how we act?

 

**Mac:** Can-can you just go along with - You guys always blow me at arbitration, can we just do my plan? For once?

 

**Dennis:** Fine.

 

**Dee:** I actually think this is a good lesson for you guys to learn-

 

**Dennis:** _ Jumps  _ Jesus Christ!

 

_ End scene. _

 

_ It’s the next day, and The Gang (minus Dee) is at the matchmaker event. They’re all sitting around a table with four empty spots. _

 

**Charlie:** Are you sure we’re at the right table?

 

**Mac:** Our names are written on the table, Charlie.

 

**Charlie:** Yeah, but shouldn’t the girls be here by now? 

 

**Dennis:** That’s a good point. I do not like to be kept waiting.

 

**Mac:** It’s true, he doesn’t. One time, the movie we were watching was buffering, and he threw the movie out the window.

 

**Dennis:** We paid $4 for it, so yeah, I want quality!  _ Four women walk to the table and sit down. _

 

**Jill:** _ To Mac  _ Are you Dennis?

 

**Mac:** Oh, no. I’m, I’m not cool enough… 

 

**Dennis:** Ha, uh, I’m Dennis. Hi. 

 

**Jill:** _ Looks him over, unimpressed  _ Hi. This is Kaitlin.

 

**Mac:** Oh, nice to meet you! I do have to be honest, though, I’m not actually here for a date. See, I’m gay, and I didn’t know the form was for straight people, so here I am.

 

**Kaitlin:** ...Right. Okay.

 

**Charlie:** _ To Mary  _ Hi there, Charlie Kelly speaking. Are you mine?

 

**Mac:** No, back up. She’s not “yours”. 

 

**Charlie:** Well…

 

**Frank:** _ To Rhea  _ So you’re Rhea?

 

**Rhea:** Obviously. Frank?

 

**Frank:** Of course.

 

**Jill:** So, what do you guys do?

 

_ The Gang says these lines all overlapping each other _

 

**Dennis:** We run a bar.

**Charlie:** Human janitor, but rat janitor on the side.

**Frank:** Throw away money.

 

**Mac:** Charlie, we agreed no side jobs!

 

**Charlie:** At this point, human janitoring is the side job!

 

**Mary:** Uh, what?

 

**Dennis:** This, uh… Would you believe me if I said it’s a joke?

 

 **Jill:** Oh, please! You four are crazy! I deserve better than this! I’m practically a goddess! Good luck ever finding someone as good as me! _She storms off. Mary and Kaitlin exchange looks and follow._ _Rhea stays with her eyes narrowed at Frank._

 

**Dennis:** What kind of attitude was that? Talked about an inflated ego, am I right?  _ No one answers him _

 

**Rhea:** So. You wanna get outta here or what?

 

**Frank:** _ Shrugs  _ Yeah, okay.  _ They both leave _

 

**Charlie:** That’s disgusting.  _ Calling out to Frank _ You’re disgusting! This sucks, man! I’m gonna go, too.

 

**Mac:** Yeah, man, those rats aren’t gonna janitor themselves.  _ Dennis laughs. _

 

**Charlie:** Yeah, now you get it!  _ He leaves. _

 

**Mac:** You wanna head out, Dennis? I’d love some gin right now.

 

**Dennis:** Gin? Ugh, gross, Mac!

 

**Mac:** It’s growing on me! Plus, I think I’ve built up a tolerance to beer.

 

**Dennis:** Ha, yeah. Maybe you’re right, though, we should blow this thing off. 

 

**Mac:** Yeah, dating’s just so frustrating! It only gets harder the older you get.

 

**Dennis:** I think I need a break from it all. Yeah. I’m done with women. At least for a little while.  _ Mac raises his eyebrow and smiles. _

 

**Mac:** Yeah?

 

**Dennis:** Yeah.

 

_ END EPISODE _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Did ya catch the easter eggs? The women they went on the date with were all named after their wives in real life, Jill Latiano, Kaitlin Olson (Dee's actress!), Mary Elizabeth Ellis, and Rhea Perlman. Also! Dee was supposed to not be very present in this episode as a metaphor for sexism in TV and movies. Kinda miss writing her character, though. Next chapter is very Charlie-heavy. I'm interested in writing it but also nervous because I don't feel like I've really nailed his character yet. But hopefully I'll pepper in some CharDee, and the whole episode has the entire gang together. It's also a callback to one of my favorite Mac episodes!! Ah. I just hope I write it lmaoo. Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to leave some suggestions in the comments. Kudos are appreciated! Follow my stan twitter @SUNSHlNEBELLAMY or my IASIP tumblr @charliesmilksteak. Thanks for reading!


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